the more i wish I hadn't made it.

nothing accomplished. i realize that all i do is make people feel old and useless and unloved. i make my daughter ashamed of me. i'm just a prick who wants peoplt o fawn over him.
i'm tired too.

i think i should have drove away instead of lock my door

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

I love this image of Louis (Brad Pitt) from Interview With The Vampire lol

I've got a splitting headeache in the back of my head for some reason.  Like the very back right above my neck.

I'm having slightly odd thoughts and feeling on edge.  I have this creeping feeling coming over me like there are some kinds of spirits spying on me. 

Today has not been a good day for me, physically and mentally :(  

I slept late and woke up feeling bad.  I thought that at first it was probably because I hadn't eaten, so I started eating and ate all throughout the evening.  I then noticed that I was having tremendous weak spells coming and going, shaking and light-headedness and what have you, as though I hadn't eaten enough.  So I ate some more - it didn't help :(  My inner thigh muscles are sore like I've been doing squats.  I have tried thinking of what I did to maybe pull them or strain them and I can't think of anything.  So that's two things that sucked today.

On top of that I had quite a few mental symptoms today, just feeling slight out of it, seeing movement and things emerge from wall textures and carpet, for instance.  Then I decided I would rest and see if I improved - I just had nightmares until I woke up drenched in sweat and had to wash off.

I feel very...subdued, is the word, I suppose.  I just feel slightly lost in la-la land.  

I wrote J. back and I may have to tell her that I just cannot commit to our mentoring right now :(  I'm not sure that I'm well enough for it and don't think I will have the time.  I can't concentrate at all lately and I feel badly that she's trying to help me and I can't really commit.

In some good news, I got a Karma touch for a helpful post I made at MW about dial-up Internet lol  Then I also got a random PM at another forum from someone who said that they had added me on Yahoo! Messenger because I was special :)

Little things make me smile.

I am ever more aware of the stillness of the night.  This despair hangs like a cold sick fog on the surface of my consciousness.  I feel the warmth of the blood running down my arms and my stomach, but I see it all like an impressionists' painting.  Your eyes scan something that isn't quite wholly there - the image is broken, silent, lost in a patchwork of brushstrokes. 

I'm not in control.  I'm not in control.  I am running on autopilot tonight.  I feel nothing, see nothing, perceive only passing whispers of the world around me.  I'm lost somewhere deep inside.  I don't know what moves my arms, what moves my legs, what types these words on this screen.  I am lost.

Still coughing, still sneezing, still congested, still having this shit creeping into my chest.  Bleeding fucking gum and fucking painful toothache.  Constantly choking all night long.  38 C fever.  Sick sick sick sick sick.

i miss my little girl *sigh*  Some days it's worse than others, but today it's pretty bad.  I woke up thinking about her and wanting to hold her.  I keep thinking that I have missed so much already - she's going to be three-years-old this year, in just a few months.  I worry that she will resent me and not want anything to do with me when she gets older :(  I just wish that she could see into my heart.  I keep wanting to write her letters or keep a journal for her and maybe give to her some day, but I just get too sad to actually do it.

I wish that things were different and I were more stable - and I could have her right now in my custody.  But I guess things work out for the best.  She's well taken care of and fed and happy.  I hope.

Attention Wiccan noobs or...hell anyone.

http://community.livejournal.com/wiccan is a cesspool full of critical, nitpicking elitists. Stay away from this community.

Also, stay away from community.livejournal.com/solitarywiccans.

These two communities are disgusting and hostile. Even my fellow Satanists aren't as rude as these people are to noobs. What's really hilarious is that these people call themselves 'Wiccans' lol!!! The certainly don't care if they harm feelings lol What a lot of wankers.

Missing my little girl right now. 

People may wonder how I miss someone I barely know - and barely spent any time with, but I just do.  I miss her.  Sometimes I wish I had never even held her because I can still feel her soft downy hair and her soft warm skin and how the weight of her rested in my arms.  She had a powdery soft scent.  I miss her.  I wish she knew how much I love her.  

Can't tell if it's my sinuses or tooth or both - killing me :(

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please
Come on and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could take another Vicodin.  Fucking liver.  FUCK FUCK FUCK. My tooth is KILLING me and the Orajel isn't helping :(  Excruciating throbbing shooting pain FUCK.

Nausea.  Gods.  I have been fighting back the urge to vomit for over two hours.

the last curtain call. ave atque vale

CHICKEN DICK

The first time I have eever had a voice echo me screaming a thought "WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE" "WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE"

Having full out panic attack just pouring sweat gods whats wrong with me

On Yahoo! Answers today, some stupid teenager wrote a question:

"Help!  I found AIDS on my pizza...?"

And I wrote that as a person living with HIV I found that 'joke' to be insulting and degrading.  And this girl wrote back:

"Oh no I'm so sorry!  Did you eat at the same pizza place?"

People are sick and twisted.  It reminds me of why I hate people.

I'm bored.  Two hours is a long time to wait, especially when you're depressed.  I wok up having a feeling that I would be depressed today, but I tried to ignore it.  Unfortunately, it's here to stay for the evening.  

I emailed Amy back and told her to say whatever was on her mind.  So I guess we'll see what that yields.

I have been mostly browsing on Twitter, some of my LJ communities and Yahoo! Answers.  

I'm feeling very dissociated today.  Probably more than I have for a while.  It's the kind of dissociation that is so intense that you feel that your brain is a full 20 seconds behind every movement.  It's what started one of my delusions last time I had an eppy, too, in the remote control thing.  I'm glad that I'm not having an eppy atm.

Today has been a 'missing Katie' day.  I get jealous when I see other parents talking about what they're doing with their kids and all these things that they take for granted that happen daily.  I wonder what Katie is doing so often - atm she's probably fast asleep all tucked into bed safe and sound.

When you're depressed everything just looks bad.  And I really hope that I don't get anymore depressed.  I feel so terrible.  I just want to cry :(